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My name is Liokae. It’s not the name that was given to me; it’s not the name I use in public, and it’s not the
name I put on legal documents. It’s not even the name that denotes this mass of flesh I walk around in. Liokae is my name-
the collection of sounds that sums up who I am and what I’ve done, in this life and others. Liokae is the name of my soul.
I don’t recall exactly when I found it. I know what I was doing, and who I was with, but the exact time frame eludes me. I was online with- wait, you need to know about Michelle first. Michelle is a close friend of mine from the LMC (Longhorn Music Camp) band camp. At this wrting, I’ve known her for about two and a half years. We’ve been really close friends (somewhat more than friends occasionaly, but that’s complicated) despite living so far apart (she lives in Friendswood- about a 3-6 hour drive from my hometown of San Antonio, depending on traffic). We’ve got a lot of history; we’ve been a shoulder to cry on for each other through major breakups, and kept close even through distance. Its largely through her that I’ve developed my theory on the way the universe works- a view including both magi../cd reincarnation. We’re talking over AIM one day, and she calls me “Liokae” (Or, technically, someone else speaking through her calls me that- long story). Curses herself afterwards- apparently that’s one of those things you’re supposed to remember on your own- but the name was already out. It fit on me- it really felt like it was a part of me that had just been waiting for me to find it. I use it for screenames now, and as my online handle. It seems the appropriate place for it; it’s on the Net that we’re nothing but personality, which is the part of me Liokae names. So now, when I’m online, people don’t know “Ryan”- they know me. And I’m Liokae. Finding my name had a feeling of destiny around it. But naming a part of me takes longer- though its just as easy. I draw an online comic strip called Bend The Rules (bendtherules.keenspace.com). Due to my lack of art skills, it has to be personality driven, because the personality of the characters is the only thing I can bring to life. Even that, though, is dependent on my being able to know the character. That’s where I get Leon. Leon isn’t me, but he is a part of me. He’s me minus the part capable of being happy-go-lucky; he’s the embodiment of my dry humor, my cynicism, and my more evil tendencies. He’s not completely cold; he can be warm, he just doesn’t get into a lot of situations that call for it. He’s capable of very deep emotion, but not smaller ones- he can fall in love, but he’ll never have a crush. He’s your all-around average introvert- and he started as a nameless doodle. I’d draw random things when bored; most things are beyond me, so I stuck to cartoonish faces. Leon’s kept coming back. Eventually, when doodles starte to morph into strips, Leon was the only real character- and he didn’t have a name yet. Eventually, I just drew a picture of him saying hi- and without even thinking about it, the text came out “Hi! I’m Leon!” So, in the end, I didn’t even have to give Leon a name- he told me what it was himself. It’s from Leon’s nameing that I begin to wonder at people’s names. They didn’t choose them- they were given them. I can’t name one of my characters until I know who they are. So, how well do parents know their children when they’re first born? I think it’s because of that that most people have names that don’t fit them. Take me, for example- I’m not really a Ryan. Doesn’t quite fit me- deosn’t really stick to me when I think of it. So I’m sticking with Liokae- because it sticks with me. |